If you're a regular reader of The Movie Bit and you've been with us for awhile, you'll remember I ranked Alexander Aja's Piranha 3D in my top five for 2010. That movie was absolutely chock full of grizzly kills, hilariously characters, awesome practical effects work and great scares. It was also totally self aware, making it a blast to watch in theaters (or even at home with some friends). David R. Ellis' Shark Night 3D is the PG-13 answer to Piranha. Lacking in just about everything you'd hope for in a movie titled Shark Night, it's also devoid of...well, pretty much everything you need to make a good movie.






To make a long story short, we start with a group of cliched college kids, the likes of which we've seen a thousand times before, who're about to set off for a weekend vacation on a remote Island in the Louisiana bayou. You've got your token African-American guy (who is almost shockingly stereotyped...hint, he was dirt poor now he's rich for being able to play basketball), you're spunky tattooed chick, the faux-tanned, faux-hawked jock, the sweet naive girl and the gentlemen whose head over heels in love with her. Arriving at the island, the gang decide to dive into the fun, with a spot of wakeboarding and beer. Shortly into their trip out on the lake, token-black-guy gets his arm torn off by a tiger shark (we do not see this). The group try to get him to safety, only for their only means of escape to hit some conveniently placed gas tanks, blowing the boat to pieces. Cue the next victim's brutal demise (nope, don't see this either) and so on and so forth. For the record, I sincerely don't mean this to sound like a lazy or cheap review. Shark Night literally begins, we see the first murder and this is repeated for 75 minutes or so until the film just kind of comes to a close.



Rounding out the cast are The OC's Chris Carmack as the bayou's handsome redneck, Donal Logue as the bayou's scruffy redneck and Joshua Leonard as the bayou's illiterate redneck. The performers all take the material far too seriously, giving the film a very awkward feeling. Instead of the fun turns from actors in last year's Piranha, here we have actors spout out ridiculous dialogue complete with blank stares. Shark Night is apparently very serious business, everybody.



For all it's negatives, Shark Night has one positive. But it's pretty spoilerific, so I can't say it here, but let's just say that it's a tip of the hat to an old, oft-banned 80's horror franchise. As a big genre fan it was neat to see it. I wish I could just tell you what it is, alas, as someone might construe this as a positive review, I don't want the ending spoiled for them.



What's so surprising about the film is the fact that it's coming from director David R. Ellis. His previous productions, Final Destination 2, Cellular & Snakes On A Plane, were all big, dumb fun. Sure, they aren't the best, but each carries a sly wit about it that makes them thoroughly entertaining. In all honesty, I have no fucking idea what happened here. Ellis should have turned out something that was a total blast to sit through, not an incredibly frustrating, tedious and all-round bad film. From it's CGI shark fins, to it's teasing censorship, all the way to the pointless 3D, Shark Night is a complete failure. Avoid.